Write'n fool

"How are you a writer? If anything you're taking things out of my head and putting them threw your finger tips your to phone."

No Mas

"Move your elbow before you goose me."

Crook!

"You're stealing peoples identities with they're jokes and jokesters. Someone call the jokester police."

Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?

"No, we're not doing that tonight. We're playing games and watching bob of sponge."

Diane, on video games

Diane finding out she can download a free game on her Wii-"One free trial!? One free trial!? Why are all of these one free trial!?"

Julie-"it says one free title."

Diane, on real estate

"Look how house that pink is!"

So soft n' cozzy

"Snuggies. They're like blankets that follow you."

Gross

"I tooted. Oh man my pants are warm."

Diane, on spelling

"R-E-P leanne, with a C in there somewhere. Can, I can, I put the I Can in Republican."

Appropriate

In response to a karate commercial. "No little boy should be able to do a split like that. That's how child molesters are born."

Christmas presents

(While doing the running man) "Ohhhhh! Look at the presents for the Logan! Open me first! Open me first! Open me nothin!"

Dunkin go nuts

"I ordered a medium tea light n sweet, not an attitude from some ghetto bitch."

If you like it then you should have put a bolt in it

"What do you get when you cross Frankenstein and Beyonce? Frankenyonce!"

Crap

Me-"Diane, you have crap on the bottom of your foot."

Diane-"It's called a mirror, and its your face."

Waitin' fo da bus

"Oh wow. I was like, that little girl is to short to be going to school. It was a fire hydrant. The hydrant was wearing a book bag!"

Pimps and hoes? Not if Diane has anything to say about it!

This isn't exactly hilarious, just awesome. Today in a stop n shop parking lot some pimp almost ran me and Diane over. I mean, a straight up P I M P. Iced out rims on his green-tinted-windowed escalade.

Diane-"Asshole you almost hit us!"

Pimp-"You don't be seein' me backin' up?!"

Diane-"Pedestrians have the right away!!!"

Pimp gets out of car and says-"Keep talkin', someone need tah smack you!"

Pimp walks away from car and says-"Imma smack da shit outta you!!"

Diane goes nutz-"DO IT! DO IT! Fuck you asshole!"

Pimp walks into stop n shop. Me and Diane go home, but not before writing his plate number down.

Diane calls cops, and cop that shows up is Dianes friend.

Cop runs dude's plates, Pimp's car was involved in robbery.

Cop calls for back up, Cop heads to Pimps house.

End scene.

Jim Carrey

"You got jokes. Lots of jokes. Mr wall street jokerster street."

Diane, on Harry Potter

"I can name eight characters. The kid with the scar, his weird friend, the girl whose name sounds like hymen, the giant with the perm, the twins, that fat kid, guy from lord of the rings, and the old lady."

Lemons, the fresh maker!

Me-"What's lemon mentos?"

Diane-"Mentos flavored lemons."

Diane, on politics

Me-"What kind of black magic is this?"

Diane-"What does black have to do with it? Yes we can! Yes we can! Half of me says yes we can and the other half of me says I'm scared!"

Sunday Classics

"Oh! does this say sharin' zone this aint no sharin' zone this aint no barney sharin' zone!"

"Tammaters, tomorrow, tammatters tommotoes."

"who you mindin your own business fo, no body so start!"

"Who you buyin china food for not me I'm buying!"

Saturday Night Inappropriate

While watching Saturday Night Live hosted by that werewolf dude from twilight- "Team sexual predator is back in business!"

Tis' the Season!

"You know what I want for Christmas? The original Cinderella reel. Disney. Originality. I want to meet Walt Disney and that grass hopper too."

"You know what else? Daughtry. The whole band. I'll get sleeping bags."