Scaredy Pants

"That scared the shoot out of me."

Dirty Hands

Me-"Did you see the new hand dryer in the bathroom?"
Diane-"No I didn't wash my hands."

Diane, on Fashion

"What's the point of wearing a mesh tank top if your just gonna show off your goodies?"

Biracial Fruit

Me-"What kind of apple is that?"
Diane-"Biracial."

Duhhh

"Whenever you say the stupid stuff it's either I don't remember it or I know exactly what I was talking about!"

Bad Memory

"Oh, wanna know what I almost forgotted?"

Butt Talk

"David and I'm telling you swamp ass is coming back with vengeance this weekend."

Carpet

"I'm gonna throw something at that fucking cat if she doesn't stop licking the carpet! That's disgusting! Logan eats off that floor!"

Balloons

"You could not work at a balloon place, cause' you'd get fired from party city."

Something

"David, did you know that someone in some town in Connecticut is running for something?"

Overstock Dot Com

"Stormy Simon? Go to Overstock.com and get an overstock name cause' ya stupid."

Bridget Jones

"Where you runnin' to, Renee Zellweger?"

Butthole Hick-Ups

"I know the baby dropped because I got hick-ups in my butthole!"

Blurple

"What size are the blurple?"

Letters and Numbers

"...So mind ya! P's and Q's and 1's and 2's."

Japanese, Shmapanese

"Keep driving! That's the lady that used to wax me. Ming Nah!"

Nosey

"You ain't no Q-Tip, get outta my bees wax!"

Gone Stupid

"You haven't gone crazy, you've gone stupid!"

Baby Mama Inter-Uterine Drama

"Tell me why this bitch is trans vers for weeks and I wake up this morning and she's breach! I'm pissed!"

She Really Did Say This

"That smelt so bad I shit myself!"

Dog Farts

"His dog smelt like a wet fart!"

Beaches

"Bette Midler reminds me of Aunt Deb, but more jewish."

Scratch and Sniff

"Stop smelling my wall!"

UBS

"I got under boob sweat."

Shmack Attack

"Imma shmack you in the mouff!"