Poopin' Problems

Diane-"Hold on I gotta poop."
Dj-"Poop when we get home."
Diane-"Hell no I've waited a week to poop, you think I'm gonna wait ten more minutes!?"

Panties

"What? They're just panties. And not even special panties."

Mad

"Bitch, you look angry!!!"

This Ain't No Hilton

Diane-"I got a tea light candle for his cake. That will work."
Me-"No, look for birthday candles."
Diane-"Look at you actin' like you're a Hilton or somethin'."

Weave

"I feel bad for balding women. Must be emberrrassin'."

Soccer Mom

"Viva Brazil?! Viva airport! Viva passport! Viva go the hell home!"

Clothing Crisis

Mom-"That's all the tank tops I have!"
Diane-"Bullshit! She's got the good clothes and she's holding out!"

Triple B

"Was she big, butch lookin', and blonde? B-b-b!"

Can't Even Finish a Joke

Me-"My phone's in SOS mode."
Diane-"Stupid Ugly... Ppffthaha."
Me-"You shut up real quick."

Sprinkle Shminkle

"Can I have two chocolate frosted sprinkle donuts?"

Disco Life

"What was that song?! I remember going "EEEEHH". Disco! It was something about the disco! I like the disco! I like the nightlife, I love to boogaay!"

Past Tense

Diane-"Huh! Billboard broke!"
Me-"You mean, the billboard is broken."
Diane-"I ment in the past tense. Billboared was brokeded before."

Omg

"Jesus, Mary and hasenpfeffer."

Stop Light Blues

(While stopped at a red light)
Me-"That chick next to us looks like the girl that Jessie James cheated on Sandra Bullock with."
Diane-"YOU HOE!"

Dadroolo

"I like that Jason Dadroolo. Now, is Jason Dadroolo one person?"

Too Young

"You're too young to have a kid! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A KID!"

Wasting Time

"I don't want no nother time up there!"

Overheard Mom Mis-Read Overheard Diane Say

Mom-"If your skirt were any damn shorter your ka-jones would be hanging out?"

Shit Pants

Mom-"Diane, you ballooned out again."
Diane-"And I shit my pants!"

Crack Head

"Just wanted to make sure my crack nail didn't break. Oh, I'm sorry, my coke nail."

Sui Chef

"Who are you grilling!? You ain't no chef. Stop grilling."

Pantless

Diane-"What are you posting? What did I say?"
Me-"That you've been wearing your pants for four days."
Diane-"Not all day! I didn't wear pants to the movies!"

Laundry Day

Me-"Wow, your pants are nasty."
Diane-"Well duh I've been wearing them for the past four days."

Who, Him?

"That guy who played that guy in that movie you just said."

Uterus Shmuterus

Diane-"Logan, go share your binki with Uncle David."
Me-"I don't want that, it was just in your mouth."
Diane-"Well you kiss Logan and he was in my uterus for nine months! But he's had four or five baths since then."

Funk That

"I'm paying seven damn dollars for a loaf of funkin' bread."

Fast Food Blues

"I hate people who eat healthy when there's nothing wrong with them. That little girl don't need no health food. She need to get some McDonalds"

More Doo Doo

"You know, I'd rather have doo doo and know I can clean it up and not smell like it than have doo doo breath and be the doo doo breath king!"

"Wait, wait! Is there wheat in tea!?"

Overheard Diane Almost Say.com

"I almost said 'What did you posted'. You can't post that because you didn't overheard Diane say, you almost overheard Diane say. Overheard Diane Say Almost."

Empty Bowels

"I ain't got no dook dook to poop poop."

Choking Hazard

"I am not making you laugh with a corn ball in your mouth."

I sye

"I sye high five. He gives me a high five. That's the definition of high five."

Dick Cheese

Diane-"Dick cheese!"
Me-"Dip cheese?"
Diane-"DICK CHEESE! Damn!"

Fuck da Po-lice

Me-"You know its illegal to hang stuff from your rear view mirror?"
Diane-"Cop never stopped me. So. Fuck. Him."

Sand Box

"I keep getting crumbs down in my brazier. Feels like I'm in a saaaand box."

Rub a Dub Dub

"David, I call a thunderstorm a poor child's bubble bath!"

Idios Mios!

"If your skirt were any damn shorter your cojone's would be hangin' out."

Silly Bands

"I don't give a fuck about your silly bands!"