Patty Labelle

"Creamalaided Marmalade!"

Lady Speed Stick

"Uuh! I forgot to put on deodorant! I have sweat stains down to my bra strap!"

Jam > Freckle

"I need to clean the inside of my belly button. Is that lint or a freckle."

Candy Land

"I got all the old giant smarties out my purse and under my damn bed. Don't laugh like there not because they is."

Comparison

"Diane is as pissed as the sky is blue!"

Yelling at Her Cat's

"What the fudge are you guys doing in here GETOUTOFMYWINDOW!"

Drool Bubble

"You got a drool bubble."

The Summer Butt Blues

"Logan, it is too damn hot out. And I got the toots. I hate having to fart when its hot outside."

Baby Talk

"I thinks I forgot to wipe some of your doodoo."

Diane, on Advertising

Diane-"HUH!"
Me-"What?"
Diane-"I didn't know the lingo was 'Tootsie Pop without the Stick'. I thought I made that up! I'm kind of pissed off."

Adult

"I'm a grown ass woman, that's what I am."

Proud

"Let me bask in my glory!"

Watermelon Farts

"Ooh I keep tootin'. I think I got watermelon farts."

Censorship

"I called her a funking slup!"

Diane, on her Ultrasound Picture

"Look! Babies first crotch shot!"

Sundae Funday

"David! IT'S THE HOT FUDGE SUNDAE FUDGE!"

Happy Mother's Day

"People are gonna be like, 'Wow, she's really hung over, and pregnant. She knows how to celebrate mothers day.'"

More Bathroom Issues

"...like, it was the type of bathroom experience that you needed to take off all your clothes."

Throw Up

"Alright guys I gotta eat before I throw up or its gonna come out the other way."

The Return of Clopen! Via Diane's CoWorker

Diane's CoWorker:"You look beat, dude."
Me-"I'm so tired. I closed yesterday and I opened today."
Diane's CoWorker-"Oh, you did a clopen."

Butt Issues

"I got swamp butt."

Bagel Bites and Brillo Pads

Me-"I think Logan's pooping."
Diane-"Ugh I can smell it. It smells like bagel bites. And it looks like a brillo pad!"