Clopen!

Diane-"What do you work tomorrow?"
Me-"I close."
Diane-"And Thursday?"
Me-"I open."
Diane-"You're doing a clopen?!"

Diane Sawyer

"Put on some interesting news. I said interesting, not Diane Sawyer."

Burlesque Dancer

"All I know about burlesque is they bathe in champagne and have big fan feathers."

Fast Food

Me-"Yo your car is stinking up something fierce."
Diane-"David, I'm telling you its the sauerkraut on my floor."

Truckin'

"Get off my mutha fuckin' ass, or I'm gonna slam on my mutha truckin' brakes!"

Fancy Pants

Diane-"My clothes are still wet and I'm all outta quarters."
Me-"They don't got a change for a dollar machine?"
Diane-"What's this look like, the Ritz Carlton?"

GROSS

"Get your hand off my breasticle."

Classy Ass

Me-"Do you have a wet nap?"
Diane-"What do I look like!? I'm eatin' chicken off a plastic fork while driving."

Save the Weels!

"Canadians like to save the weels-- the heels-- the seals!!"

That's Bethlehem, CT for Ya

"A lot of hicks. Crazy hicks and a bunch of nuns. The occasional cow or two."

Hair

Diane-"Gimme that rubber band."
Me-"You're not putting a rubber band in your hair."
Diane-"It's, fine it won't break my naps."

LL Cool J

Diane-"Get outta here little lesbian. LL. And not the good kind."
Me-"What's the good LL?"
Diane-"LL Cool J!"

Spelling Test

Diane-"Roll it, pat it, mark it with a D--"
Me-"--And put it in the oven for STUPID and me!"
Diane-"I'm stupid? Your the one who thinks stupid has a D in it!"

Nursery Rhymes

"...And the itsy spitsey spider went down the drain again."

Ranch Chicken

"What the hell is ranch chicken? Chicken ya dip ranch in!"

Bad Breaf

Me-"Diane, the sun is burning my eyes."
Diane-"No that's your breaf. Close yo eyes!"

ABC Rasinets

After spitting a chewed Raisinet at me-"You got my mouth doo doo on you!!!"

Constipation

"I haven't been able to poop for about a week."

Laundry Day

Me-"Nice socks."
Diane-"Yea, they're different colors. And I wore them yesterday, on opposite feet."

An Itch You Can't Scratch

"Oh I got a bad wedgie. I got a wedgie so bad it itches."

Feeling Sorry

"That poor little fat boy!"

She is So Mean to Me

"David, my neighbors probably think you're half way to stupid."

Breath Stank

"Did you doodoo? Or is that your breath."

Digging for Gold

Me-"Stop picking your nose."
Diane-"I'm not rubbin' it on your outfit or something, shut up. Mind your own business."

Food

"Gohead! Eat it, see if I care! I got a whole box of yodels. You aint got nu-thin' on me!!!"

Directed Towards the Blonde at Stop n' Shop

"Damn. That girl takes herself to seriously. Let's take the screw driver out of your ass and get back to reality."

Eyebrow Dandruff

"You got some brow-duff."

Frunk That

"Did Dennis tell you the story of the dead cat last week? It's still in frunk of dunkin donuts."

Sans Twang

"I don't like all the extra twang."

Shower Curtain

Diane-"I need to get a new sha-sha-shower curtain."
Me-"Sha-sha-shower curtain?"
Diane-"Sha-sha-shut yo mouth!"

Worried Mother

"If I had fifteen kids I'd be worried about incest too. Just sayin'."

Impatient

"I can't grow no patience!"

Bee's

Diane-"Ohh that's a big fuckin' bumble bee! But those kinds don't sting."
Me-"I don't give a nothin'."
Diane-"I don't give a nothin' either. Their still big and funny and scary. And look at it lookin' into my window starin' at my cat trying to get her introuble!!!"

C.C.

"Colon Concern."

Weak

Me-"My arms is weak."
Diane-"Like your breath! Your breath is weak and your outfit is weak. Your outfit is so weak it's last week!"

Bird Bathroom

Mom-"Look, a robin is taking a bath in the bird bath."
Diane-"I hope he knows I peed in it."

Clumsy

"I've never tripped my thumb over somebody before!"

200th Post Spectacular!!!

" Bob Bob Bob, Bob Bob Diane."

Mom of da Year

"Do I controlled everything he do?"

Chiken

"Now you're fake'n. Shake'n bake'n."

Eating Food off the Floor, Again

"Uuh, the fancy feast is over. No more floor food."

Eating Food off the Floor

"Oooh peanut M&M! Delicious floor food!

Gettin' Funky Now

"Go funk yourself!"

Diane, on Anger Management

"Go dress your fuckin' dog up you fuckin' bitch!"

Diane, making fun of a Cat

"I drool when I'm happy!"

Butt Issues

"I gotta poop so bad. My butt's pokin'."

Constipation

"I woke up with a poop. Not myself. I wish. If only I was so lucky."

Indifferent

"Oh nooo! Oh YEA!"

Doo Doo

"Whattchu starein' at doo doo breath!?"

Bagel Blues

"The only thing I hate about jelly is it makes my bagel damp."

Animal Skin

"I think a zebra escaped from the zoo. What? That makes sense. She had zebra pant on! What do you mean that don't make sense!?"