Noise

"Do you hear a tree falling in the forest if no one's their to see it?"

Diane, on Feline Amputees

"Huh! Is that cat tail-less?"

Dookie Chain

Diane-"Imma smack the crap out your head that you call a brain. Doo doo. Ka kaa."
Me-"What?"
Diane-"ya brain's dog shit!"

Nugget Sauce

"I just put my finger in nugget sauce."

Diane, hablo Espanol

"Did you know the word 'elbow' is derived from the spanish language. It means bow. El' Bow."

Fast Food Grubbin'

"Yo that woman needs to stop eatin like that. Your chili ain't goin no where. Let's get outta here. That's disgusting."

Don't Tred on Me

"Stupid ATM! Discrimigatin against cars!"

Nosey

"Where this Bloomingdales truck goin'?"

More Teenie

"I hate that cat! All she does is eat. Save some for the fishes! But then she goes after the fishes!"

Teenie

Diane's Cat-"Meow."
Diane-"Shut the fuck up!"
Diane's Cat-"Meow."
Diane-"I will kick you in the face!"

Fix Yo Teef

"I got a snaggle on my tooth."

Driver Safety

"And you miss thing! You need to learn to drive safely! Suck it up and swim, suck it up and drive bitch!"

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

"I trimmed my belly hair yesterday. Dennis was kind of upset."

The Lights are on...

"David, my brain's like a record. It skips."

Diane Loves Trevor

Diane-"Who is this girl and how does she know me?"
Me-"Well, she didn't know you."
Diane-"If she knows Trevor Swift, she knows Diane."

Lady Sovereign

"I thought this was some british rap girl, Lady Antebellum. Isn't that some british rap girl?"

Broken English

Diane-"Do you think that car seat is in there good?"
Me-"In there well."
Diane-"Who said I was tryin' to be smart right now. Dude."

No Doubt

Diane-"I like old No Doubt, all trumpet and ska like."
Me-"Because you're so trumpet and ska like?"
Diane-"Look at mah bangs!"

Tiny Purse, Tiny Dog

"Harajookoo gurl! I'm so rich I can pretend to be asian!"

Fortune Teller

"People are gonna be like, 'oh I know where they going they going to a party let's follow and enjoy! I see cake in they future!'"

It's all so True

"David, you're just jealous because no one's talking about your cleavage."

Helping a Sista Out

"Yo, Goof Proof got muh back!"

Spelling Lesson

Me-"I'm funny."
Diane-"If you're funny so's Charles Manson."
Me-"Spell it."
Diane-"F-U-N-N-I."
Me-"I meant spell Charles Manson."
Diane-"Didn't specify. I ain't spelling somethin else."

Not-chyo-cheeeese

"If you touch his cheese I will scoop out your eye balls with this butter knife!"

Doin' Favors

"I wasn't giving you a wedgy out of disrespect."

Free Poopin'

"I fart when I poop! Together, and in general! Right now I'm free poopin! Free poopin!"

Rihanna

Diane-"I feel so bad for her."
Me-"Why?"
Diane-" 'Cause she got beat."

Don Imus

"Let me brush my napps."

Sorry Gaggs, Diane did it First

Rap

"Big pimpin and some cheese. Big pimpin and a round of cheese. Big auh nu sa nu da na na cheese. Think I'm gonna get a vah-nil-la ice cream cone!"

Nursery Rhymes

Diane-"I have bubble gut."
Me-"That's gross."
Diane-"Would you rather I say mud butt, diarrhea, hershey squirts, the runs, peeing out my butt, hershey squirts."
Me-"You already said that."
Diane-"It's rainin' it's pourin' my butt hole is snorin'."

Bowel Baby

"Oh man I'm getting poop contractions, I'm about to go into poop labor."

Butter Face

"That poor boy, lookin' like him as he do."

Nothing

"What do you know about bein' a cervix!?"

Proof of Age

Diane-"Justin Bieber looks like he's twelve."
Me-"He's fifteen."
Diane-"how do you know! You seen his birff cerkifikit!?"

Racist

"And why does he have all Hawaiian back up singers!?"

Adorable Animals

"If there's anything about little ducklings jumping out of a tree and bouncing I'm all about it."

Advertisement

"Over Heard Diane say dot blogsplot dot com."

Ham Bone

"I want some ham soup!"

Diane, Thinkin' Back

"Easter last year! Its not the anniversary of that what's his guy coming back alive! Its the anniversary of Diane's assault!"

Free Style'n, The Diane Way

"Gotta take off this sweatah, sweatah. To hot in this weathah, weathah."

Miss Money Bags

Diane-"Someday the money fairy will catch me a break."
Me-Catch me a break?"
Diane-"Catch me off a break of that kit kat bar!"

Diane, On Taylor (Trevor) Swift

"She always sings about the same stuff, 'It's my first day of highschool! I'm nervous getting on the bus!'. How many times did you stay back?"

Home Economics

"I ain't no Martha Stewart gardening tool!"

Man-Scaping

"It smells like bikini wax in here."

Changin' Diapers

"You're not touchin' your shitbag!"

Diane, as Ke$ha

"I'll rent a topless car and wear one shoe, and say I lost the other one at da club."

More Ke$ha

"If they take the baby two weeks early from the 18th, that's the 4th which gives me four weeks to get better so I can be Ke$ha for Halloween."

These Boot's are Made for Walking

"I'm glad I paid my car taxes. Because I would have been booted, and not in a good way. I would have two shoes to wear."

Food

"Ohh, where's there a momma--momma--momma Bab's pork fried pork restaurant!?"

Cat Fight

"Just say you got into a fight with a street hooker."

Excuses

"They were in my blind spot! May be if the guys head wasn't so big, weighing down the fucking car. Midget head."

Pashion Fruit Lemonaid

"If you're in a fruity mood, like if that's what you want--"

Grocery Store Blues

Diane-"Yogurt, banana, yogurt, and fruit juice."
Me-"Yogurt, banana, yogurt, and fruit juice?"
Diane-"You need to shut the fuck up."

It's not Daughtry

"That looked like Daughtry in that car! That looked like Daughtry. That looked like Chris Daughtry."

Attitude By The Foot

Me-"Why are these fruit roll-ups so tiny?"
Diane-"Cuz' it's the widget ones."
Me-"Widget ones?"
Diane-"I don't know, it looks like there's more."
Me-"What?"
Diane-"Shut up!"

Height Requirement

"Leave something to the imagination. But she's two feet tall, so their ain't enough imagination!"

She Don't Give None

Me-"we can enter here, can't we?"
Diane-"I don't give a none."

She Really, Really Loves Ke$ha

"Pedicures on my toes!"

Diane, on Race

Diane-"What's up with all these black skate boarders?"
Me-"Diane!"
Diane-"Its a good thing!"

Laundry Day

"I don't remember what shirt I'm wearing. Yea I do. But I don't remember what underwear I'm wearing."

Polite

"Move your damn ass self!"

Diane, on Ke$ha

"She's the kind of person I would imagine to have sticky skin. Would not want a cat near her."

Diane, on Manners

Diane-"what to see what color we're painting the room?"
Me-"No."
Diane-"GET YOUR DUMB ASS OVER HERE NOW! Will you look! I'm trying to talk to you! Imma kill you!"

Beatin' Up a Baby

"What! That's normal! All baby's got bruises, and broken bones, and he-ma-tomas."

Blinded by the Dirt

"Is that a stain! Is that a stain! Is that a stain! I can't see! I can't see! I can't see!"

Pacifier Night and Weekend Minutes

"What I say about daytime binki usage!? Over your minutes!"

Potty Mouth: It Continues

"I had diarrhea yesterday. Soft poop. Kinda burnt."

Potty Mouth: The Return!

"Oh my god, my butt! It hurts! I need a donut, pillow."

Potty Mouth: The Aftermath

"Oh man. I didn't know I couldn't digest carrot."

Potty Mouth: Toilet Talk

Diane, from the bathroom-"Oh mahh god!"
Me-"what?"
Diane-"Biggest poop EVER!"

Potty Mouth

Diane talking about her poop-"its not even coming down at all. Oh, think it moved! Can't tell if its a fart or a poop."