Comin' Out Both Ends

"I'm so hungry I'm gonna throw up, or toot. Or both."

Diane, on GaGa

"Ooooh Oh Oh ohh caught in a bed of ants!"

Jack of all Trades

"I know everything. Taxes, cookin', tax allowances, deductions."

This Weeks Forcast: Crazy

"Dr. Mel is crazy! He followed me from my school, then to my job! He's crazy!!"

Fighting

Me-"Say sorry!"
Diane-"For what!?"
Me-"Say sorry!"
Diane-"I ain't-- I ain't brush yo teeth! I ain't brush yo teeth!"

Fart Toast- The Other White Meat

While eating french toast- "Oh, that piece tasted like fart. I'm eatin fart toast."

Story Time

"Baba blacksheep have you any wool? No sir no sir shaved it off. None for my mother, none for my son. Left it all at the hair salon."

Sarcasm at its Finest

"Oh my god did you here about this new show! Its called nip tuck and its new and fresh!"

Breakfast Breath

"Expired goods? You know what, your breath is expired goods. Smellin' like spoiled milk and egg cheese."

Stinkin' Up the Joint

Diane-"Oh man."
Me-"What?"
Diane-"I have dirty dog farts."

Diane, on Exercise

"I'm not moving no where. I'm picking my nose and wipe it on my pants."

Gettin' Rid of It

"If my baby comes out speaking spanish I'm gonna flush it down the toilet. It won't fit, its okay."

Free Style'n

"Freesah cheesah chicken sneezah. Whatchu want I can be her. Take it back and call it geezah."

Days

Me-"More snow for 3 days!"
Diane-"You know it."
Me-"Tuesday Wednesday Thursday!"
Diane-"And Friday!"
Me-"I said 3 days."
Diane-"Ya said 4."

Quarter Past Smell-Thirty

"I knew it was twelve thirty, cause David got a cheek stank! Ha! I meant to say teeth stank!"

Dentist

"You got some teeth coming in on that forehead. Full smile. Crest white!"

What a Wonderful Phrase

"Hakoona Patatta!"

Baa-Zing

"I got a mirror in my face and every time you say, you say something mean you talkin' to yourself!"

Stress

"I feel a stress poop coming on!"

Dandruff

"Its snowin' out like God ran out of Head n' Shoulders!"

9021-NO, BET-me!

Me-"How often do you watch BET?"
Diane-"Everyday! I can relate to it! I don't relate to 90210 with no adoptive kids! I like the football and baby mama drama."

Diane, on Integration

"See! Black and white can mix! The best things in the world are mixed- Oreos, President Obama!"

The Truth Hurts

"You a liar like your momma, cuz you ain't hers!"

Diane, on Race

Me-"Is she black or asian?"
Diane-"Blazian."

Mad Skillz

"Ooh I can skate! Ohh olly kick flip doozies!"

Care Free

Imitating a woman's health commercial-"I douche! I'm care free!"

New Friends

"Those women were very friendly, VERY friendly. And they told dirty jokes, my kind of ladies."

Ghetto Olympics: The Host

Diane-"It would be hosted by that girl who does the VH1 reunion shows. "Hey ya'll it's ya girl Lala over in Ontario at the Winter Ghetto Olympic games!""

Ghetto Olympics: The Judges

Me-"Who's gonna judge at the Ghetto Olympics?"
Diane-"Shareef. But I ain't shed no grief, because we ain't got no beef- at the ghetto olympics!"

Ghetto Olympics: Explained

Me-"What made you sing about the Ghetto Olympics?"
Diane-"It's never been done before!"

Ghetto Olympics: The Theme Song

"Bum bum bumbum Ghetto Olympics bun dun dun bum wonda what the games could be!?"

Ghetto Olympics: Back in the Saddle

"What I'm gonna wear at the Ghetto Olympics!? Imma win a chain at the Ghetto Olympics!"

Ghetto Olympics

"Got a penny on a chain at the Ghetto Olympics! Think I'm gonna win at the Ghetto Olympics! Shorty betta be at the Ghetto Olympics!"

My Breath: 1, Diane: 0

"Get out of here, your breath is hurtin me!!! Burnin' up my hair."

Litter Boxes & Chop Sticks

"I love little asian babies! Its when they grow up I hate them. Kinda like kittens."

A Musical for the Whole Family

Julie Andrews from the sound of music-"This hills are alive with--"
Diane-"The hills are alive with shit."

Tofurkey

"You fake'n! You fake'n bacon like turkey bacon."

It's still Stank

"Its not doodoo stank, its pee stank! I cleaned his legs!"

Ketchup, or Catsup?

"This shows so weird so weird and the smell of that ketchup is making me angry."

Hallelujah, I'm a Buzzkill

"Why you always rainin' on my parade, forever? Always rainin', its rain'n men!"

Eatin' Foods!

"I FINISHED MY WHOLE BREAKFAST BUT THE SCRAMBLED EGGS! AND THE HASH BROWBROWNS!

Diane, Angry

"What are you so smile'n about?!"

Hollywood It Couple

"If I was Sandra Bullock I'd be like, back the fuck off my man tube girl!"

CATS!

Diane's cat-"Meow."
Diane-"Get out of here bitch."

Career thinkin' time!

"When I grow up I wanna be on Saturday Night Live. I wanna star on star 99.9, I mean Saturday Night Live. I'm gonna be the next ugly one-- uh, Rachael Dratch."

Diane, on reasoning

"In order for us to agree on something we must agree on something."

Two of a kind

"T-mo and BET fit together like glue and horse shoes."