"Go get me a pants."

"David, that's what I was trying to tell you. My feet were sweaty and cold at the same time. I got confused."

"...Well I don't know. I'm just the person who shit her pants twice in one month."

"If you're no psychic then stop assumin'."

"...But that guy isn't Drake and Josh! Who is that guy!?"

"I can out dance Ellen any day. But she can definitely out lesbian me."

"Can you get me a little bit of Kool-Aid? It's in the apple juice jug. I'm ghetto, so what!?"

Mumba Jumba

"You look like an African Mumba queen."

Diane, on Ellen

"Oh, she's such a lesbian."

Nipple Talk

"David, you don't have puffy nipples."

People Skills

"I was touching my clogged milk duct and a guy walked by."

Diane, on Noses

"David, that guy has a nose like a Spuds McKenzie dog."

Google

"I'ma bust out my Google."

I.B.K.T.C.

"Teenie's getting her boobs back! Itty bitty kitty titty committee."

Diane, on Dingle Berries

"...No! Dingle berries are little pieces of turds that stick to your butt hair! Hence the hair being the stem of the berry!"

Pants

"Oh, here's the binki! It was in my pants!"

Peanut Butter

"You smell like peanut butter breath."

Jenny Lewis

Me-"Jenny Lewis is actually pretty famous. She performed on--"
Diane-"Say Gossip Girl!"
Me-"No!"

Diane, on Betty Boop

"I hate that Puerto Ricans are stealing Betty Boop! She's Italian!"

Insults

"Bitch, it looks like you ate a cheeseburger!"

Swine Who?!

"I ain't 'fraid of no pig ghosts!"

Father of the Bride

Me-"They should do Father of the Bride part 3."
Diane-"Grandpa Banks!"
Me-"He's already a grandpa."
Diane-"Oh, yea."

Starvin' Cats

"David I gotta get this food off the floor before the cats get it and start to think I wanna feed them!"

Realzies

"...but for realzies! Not for fakezies!"

Balonaah

"Balonaah!"

It's da troof

"I didn't raise no rag-a-muffin!"

Diane, on The New Saturday Night Live Cast

"They got rid of the horse nose bitch!"

Halloween

"I wanna be Betty White for Halloween."

Gross

"I feel like I'm in a baby orgy."

Gas

"Oh! I farted. It felt great!"

Diane, on Geometry

"--because chickens are shaped in the rings."

Words

"You can play telephone with that. Cellphone. French fry. I almost said pickle."

Dumb Crazy

"I already lost 15 pounds. I think that's dumb crazy."

Dumb Blind

"You are dumb blind."

Bra Stuffing

"I have a pillow case down my shirt."

Dumb Cheap

"That's dumb cheap."

Precious

"That looks like the girl from Sapharri what-cha-ma call it's Precious."

Shooting the Beef

"Where's the beef? Not with that guy, he got shot for it."

Da-Da-Doctor

"What's that Doctor rapper?"

Panty Phone

"I couldn't find my cell phone this morning, then I remembered in the middle of the night I put it in my underwear."

Scaredy Pants

"That scared the shoot out of me."

Dirty Hands

Me-"Did you see the new hand dryer in the bathroom?"
Diane-"No I didn't wash my hands."

Diane, on Fashion

"What's the point of wearing a mesh tank top if your just gonna show off your goodies?"

Biracial Fruit

Me-"What kind of apple is that?"
Diane-"Biracial."

Duhhh

"Whenever you say the stupid stuff it's either I don't remember it or I know exactly what I was talking about!"

Bad Memory

"Oh, wanna know what I almost forgotted?"

Butt Talk

"David and I'm telling you swamp ass is coming back with vengeance this weekend."

Carpet

"I'm gonna throw something at that fucking cat if she doesn't stop licking the carpet! That's disgusting! Logan eats off that floor!"

Balloons

"You could not work at a balloon place, cause' you'd get fired from party city."

Something

"David, did you know that someone in some town in Connecticut is running for something?"

Overstock Dot Com

"Stormy Simon? Go to Overstock.com and get an overstock name cause' ya stupid."

Bridget Jones

"Where you runnin' to, Renee Zellweger?"

Butthole Hick-Ups

"I know the baby dropped because I got hick-ups in my butthole!"

Blurple

"What size are the blurple?"

Letters and Numbers

"...So mind ya! P's and Q's and 1's and 2's."

Japanese, Shmapanese

"Keep driving! That's the lady that used to wax me. Ming Nah!"

Nosey

"You ain't no Q-Tip, get outta my bees wax!"

Gone Stupid

"You haven't gone crazy, you've gone stupid!"

Baby Mama Inter-Uterine Drama

"Tell me why this bitch is trans vers for weeks and I wake up this morning and she's breach! I'm pissed!"

She Really Did Say This

"That smelt so bad I shit myself!"

Dog Farts

"His dog smelt like a wet fart!"

Beaches

"Bette Midler reminds me of Aunt Deb, but more jewish."

Scratch and Sniff

"Stop smelling my wall!"

UBS

"I got under boob sweat."

Shmack Attack

"Imma shmack you in the mouff!"

Boom Bangin' Baby

"Yo Cindy's friend hooked baby gurl up! Baby Phat, Timberland, Apple Bottom. Baby gurl gone be fly. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of white clothes too."

Diane, on Snookie from Jersey Shore

"Yo, Shnook Shnack, patty wack, leave that dog alone."

Dinner Time

"Shake'n fake'n like tofu bacon."

Wiener Issues

"If it's the thing that crawls up the wiener I don't wanna watch it!"

Banana Box

"Oh my god! Can you get any closer to my car with your weave and banana box!? Did you see her banana box!"

Diane, on Threats

"Be lucky who you talk to!"

Ass Shakin'

"ON MY WAY TO PICK YOU UP I SAW THESE TWO LITTLE FIVE YEAR OLD GIRLS, AND ONE OF THEM HAD REALLY PRETTY HAIR SO I COMPLEMENTED HER. ON THE WAY BACK FROM DROPPING YOU OFF I DROVE PAST EM' AND THEY WERE BOTH SHAKING THEIR ASSES AT ME! I'VE NEVER HAD A FIVE YEAR OLD SHAKE THEIR ASS AT ME!"

*Caps mean lot's of yelling is going on

Not-So Easy Mac

"Wait. I gotta go in to McDonalds in my mac-n-cheese pants?"

Diane, on the True Blood Rolling Stone Cover

"As long as you don't see the hole that's all that matters."

Introducing: OVERHEARD DIANE ANSWER QUESTIONS ASKED BY PEOPLES

FELLOW ODS READERS!

You now have the ability to submit questions to Diane, who will give you her honest opinion! Need help in your love life? Got unpaid bills? Need to know if you are making the right career decision? Ask Diane!

It's anonymous, so no one will know just how screwed up your life really is! Hooray!

Email your questions to Overheardianesay@live.com

Diane, on That Lesbian Who Has a Show on BRAVO

"This girl freaks me out! She's a he she he pretending to be a she!"

Pit Issues

"You know, David, I think when I'm around you my armpit hair grows more."

Now, That's What I Call Kidz Bop

"David! There's a little black kid in this commercial! No wait, this isn't Now Kidz Bop."

Bizwax

Me-"Bizwax. Mind your own bizwax."
Diane-"You mind YOUR own damn bizwax!!!"

Diane, on The Real Housewives of New Jersey

"Ohhh! You should have seen Kim G. when she was trying to do a stripper dance!"

LL

"Don't be mad you don't got the luscious locks that this girl do. LL. And not Lindsay Lohan. Luscious locks."

Hair Ball

"Oh I just picked something long and hairy out of my eyeball."

Loins Shmoins

"You ain't push me threw those loins."

WE'RE GOOGLEABLE!

Diane, on Jersey Shore

"Well, now that you say Shnookie, I see the Shnook."

Rhymin' It Up

"Little Mc Muffin sat on her tuffin' eatin' her curds and HAY!"

Faux Weezy

"I had a dream that a fake Lil Wayne broke into my house and tried to steal my lap top!"

Two-Steppin'

"David, one of my shoes smells worse than the other because Logan peed in it."

Nig Nug

"Peace out nig nug!"

Diane, on Food

"I don't know. Its either chicken soup, something else, or something."

Ambiguous

"That little girl or boy looks like it could be Janet Jackson."

Diane, on Senior Citizens

"Hang the fuck on! Does that cute little old lady have a ponytail, WITH a red ribbon in it?! And she's cuuuute!"

Fanta

"Fanta Fanta dontchya wanta!? No I don't, ya look contagious."

Bootylicious

"Don't be mad you can't handle all this jelly!"

Hair Removal

"Where's my random long hair that grows out of my arm?"

Weave Drama

"That girl looks like she got a Chow-Chow for a hair piece!"

Book Smart

"So my Co-Worker at Barnes and Nobel said I'm not book smart, I'm Nook smart. I told him no, I ain't no book smart! I'm Nook smart! Because Imma hoe!"

A.C. Stands for Ass Crack

"Whenever we turn on the a.c. for the first time it smells like butt sweat."

English Miffins, Part Deux

"The leggings were a bright red. Let you see every nook and cranny, like that other woman from before."

Downer

Diane-"I got some Reese's Pieces."
Me-"Reese's!?"
Diane-"Pieces."

Diane, on Abduction Bias in the Law Enforcement Field

"Kids don't put the kid in kidnapped!"

Ole'

"Bongos, chimi-chongos."

Tag-Team Advertising

Me-"Overheard Diane Say.com!"
Diane-"Blogsplot!!!"

Huh?

"Who was that? What did I say, I mean? Why did I say it?"

English Muffins

"That woman should not wear a light colored shirt on a sunny day, because she got a shadow in every nook and cranny."

Body Parts

"Uuh! You hit me between my fibula and tibia! Of wait, fibula and tibula are in the leg. I still sound smart. Femur! Vas dif-er-ence!"

Cirque de Soleil

Diane-"I can't bend down like that!? This ain't no Circus Ole' shit!"
Me-"Cirque de Soleil, Diane."
Diane-"Circle da soil!"

Donut Shmonut

"Boston cream donuts are good! Take it as a compliment they're sold out. You got goood taste with baaad timing."

Fegan Mox

"We dislike the Fox of Megan."

300th Post Spectacular!

"There was something I wanted to tell you about something someone said that sounded like something you would put on the website."

Soda Stop

Dj-"What would you like to drink from Taco Bell?"
Diane-"Three dollars."

Poopin' Problems

Diane-"Hold on I gotta poop."
Dj-"Poop when we get home."
Diane-"Hell no I've waited a week to poop, you think I'm gonna wait ten more minutes!?"

Panties

"What? They're just panties. And not even special panties."

Mad

"Bitch, you look angry!!!"

This Ain't No Hilton

Diane-"I got a tea light candle for his cake. That will work."
Me-"No, look for birthday candles."
Diane-"Look at you actin' like you're a Hilton or somethin'."

Weave

"I feel bad for balding women. Must be emberrrassin'."

Soccer Mom

"Viva Brazil?! Viva airport! Viva passport! Viva go the hell home!"

Clothing Crisis

Mom-"That's all the tank tops I have!"
Diane-"Bullshit! She's got the good clothes and she's holding out!"

Triple B

"Was she big, butch lookin', and blonde? B-b-b!"

Can't Even Finish a Joke

Me-"My phone's in SOS mode."
Diane-"Stupid Ugly... Ppffthaha."
Me-"You shut up real quick."

Sprinkle Shminkle

"Can I have two chocolate frosted sprinkle donuts?"

Disco Life

"What was that song?! I remember going "EEEEHH". Disco! It was something about the disco! I like the disco! I like the nightlife, I love to boogaay!"

Past Tense

Diane-"Huh! Billboard broke!"
Me-"You mean, the billboard is broken."
Diane-"I ment in the past tense. Billboared was brokeded before."

Omg

"Jesus, Mary and hasenpfeffer."

Stop Light Blues

(While stopped at a red light)
Me-"That chick next to us looks like the girl that Jessie James cheated on Sandra Bullock with."
Diane-"YOU HOE!"

Dadroolo

"I like that Jason Dadroolo. Now, is Jason Dadroolo one person?"

Too Young

"You're too young to have a kid! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A KID!"

Wasting Time

"I don't want no nother time up there!"

Overheard Mom Mis-Read Overheard Diane Say

Mom-"If your skirt were any damn shorter your ka-jones would be hanging out?"

Shit Pants

Mom-"Diane, you ballooned out again."
Diane-"And I shit my pants!"

Crack Head

"Just wanted to make sure my crack nail didn't break. Oh, I'm sorry, my coke nail."

Sui Chef

"Who are you grilling!? You ain't no chef. Stop grilling."

Pantless

Diane-"What are you posting? What did I say?"
Me-"That you've been wearing your pants for four days."
Diane-"Not all day! I didn't wear pants to the movies!"

Laundry Day

Me-"Wow, your pants are nasty."
Diane-"Well duh I've been wearing them for the past four days."

Who, Him?

"That guy who played that guy in that movie you just said."

Uterus Shmuterus

Diane-"Logan, go share your binki with Uncle David."
Me-"I don't want that, it was just in your mouth."
Diane-"Well you kiss Logan and he was in my uterus for nine months! But he's had four or five baths since then."

Funk That

"I'm paying seven damn dollars for a loaf of funkin' bread."

Fast Food Blues

"I hate people who eat healthy when there's nothing wrong with them. That little girl don't need no health food. She need to get some McDonalds"

More Doo Doo

"You know, I'd rather have doo doo and know I can clean it up and not smell like it than have doo doo breath and be the doo doo breath king!"

"Wait, wait! Is there wheat in tea!?"

Overheard Diane Almost Say.com

"I almost said 'What did you posted'. You can't post that because you didn't overheard Diane say, you almost overheard Diane say. Overheard Diane Say Almost."

Empty Bowels

"I ain't got no dook dook to poop poop."

Choking Hazard

"I am not making you laugh with a corn ball in your mouth."

I sye

"I sye high five. He gives me a high five. That's the definition of high five."

Dick Cheese

Diane-"Dick cheese!"
Me-"Dip cheese?"
Diane-"DICK CHEESE! Damn!"

Fuck da Po-lice

Me-"You know its illegal to hang stuff from your rear view mirror?"
Diane-"Cop never stopped me. So. Fuck. Him."

Sand Box

"I keep getting crumbs down in my brazier. Feels like I'm in a saaaand box."

Rub a Dub Dub

"David, I call a thunderstorm a poor child's bubble bath!"

Idios Mios!

"If your skirt were any damn shorter your cojone's would be hangin' out."

Silly Bands

"I don't give a fuck about your silly bands!"

Patty Labelle

"Creamalaided Marmalade!"

Lady Speed Stick

"Uuh! I forgot to put on deodorant! I have sweat stains down to my bra strap!"

Jam > Freckle

"I need to clean the inside of my belly button. Is that lint or a freckle."

Candy Land

"I got all the old giant smarties out my purse and under my damn bed. Don't laugh like there not because they is."

Comparison

"Diane is as pissed as the sky is blue!"

Yelling at Her Cat's

"What the fudge are you guys doing in here GETOUTOFMYWINDOW!"

Drool Bubble

"You got a drool bubble."

The Summer Butt Blues

"Logan, it is too damn hot out. And I got the toots. I hate having to fart when its hot outside."

Baby Talk

"I thinks I forgot to wipe some of your doodoo."

Diane, on Advertising

Diane-"HUH!"
Me-"What?"
Diane-"I didn't know the lingo was 'Tootsie Pop without the Stick'. I thought I made that up! I'm kind of pissed off."

Adult

"I'm a grown ass woman, that's what I am."

Proud

"Let me bask in my glory!"

Watermelon Farts

"Ooh I keep tootin'. I think I got watermelon farts."

Censorship

"I called her a funking slup!"

Diane, on her Ultrasound Picture

"Look! Babies first crotch shot!"

Sundae Funday

"David! IT'S THE HOT FUDGE SUNDAE FUDGE!"

Happy Mother's Day

"People are gonna be like, 'Wow, she's really hung over, and pregnant. She knows how to celebrate mothers day.'"

More Bathroom Issues

"...like, it was the type of bathroom experience that you needed to take off all your clothes."

Throw Up

"Alright guys I gotta eat before I throw up or its gonna come out the other way."

The Return of Clopen! Via Diane's CoWorker

Diane's CoWorker:"You look beat, dude."
Me-"I'm so tired. I closed yesterday and I opened today."
Diane's CoWorker-"Oh, you did a clopen."

Butt Issues

"I got swamp butt."

Bagel Bites and Brillo Pads

Me-"I think Logan's pooping."
Diane-"Ugh I can smell it. It smells like bagel bites. And it looks like a brillo pad!"

Clopen!

Diane-"What do you work tomorrow?"
Me-"I close."
Diane-"And Thursday?"
Me-"I open."
Diane-"You're doing a clopen?!"

Diane Sawyer

"Put on some interesting news. I said interesting, not Diane Sawyer."

Burlesque Dancer

"All I know about burlesque is they bathe in champagne and have big fan feathers."

Fast Food

Me-"Yo your car is stinking up something fierce."
Diane-"David, I'm telling you its the sauerkraut on my floor."

Truckin'

"Get off my mutha fuckin' ass, or I'm gonna slam on my mutha truckin' brakes!"

Fancy Pants

Diane-"My clothes are still wet and I'm all outta quarters."
Me-"They don't got a change for a dollar machine?"
Diane-"What's this look like, the Ritz Carlton?"

GROSS

"Get your hand off my breasticle."

Classy Ass

Me-"Do you have a wet nap?"
Diane-"What do I look like!? I'm eatin' chicken off a plastic fork while driving."

Save the Weels!

"Canadians like to save the weels-- the heels-- the seals!!"

That's Bethlehem, CT for Ya

"A lot of hicks. Crazy hicks and a bunch of nuns. The occasional cow or two."

Hair

Diane-"Gimme that rubber band."
Me-"You're not putting a rubber band in your hair."
Diane-"It's, fine it won't break my naps."

LL Cool J

Diane-"Get outta here little lesbian. LL. And not the good kind."
Me-"What's the good LL?"
Diane-"LL Cool J!"

Spelling Test

Diane-"Roll it, pat it, mark it with a D--"
Me-"--And put it in the oven for STUPID and me!"
Diane-"I'm stupid? Your the one who thinks stupid has a D in it!"

Nursery Rhymes

"...And the itsy spitsey spider went down the drain again."

Ranch Chicken

"What the hell is ranch chicken? Chicken ya dip ranch in!"

Bad Breaf

Me-"Diane, the sun is burning my eyes."
Diane-"No that's your breaf. Close yo eyes!"

ABC Rasinets

After spitting a chewed Raisinet at me-"You got my mouth doo doo on you!!!"

Constipation

"I haven't been able to poop for about a week."

Laundry Day

Me-"Nice socks."
Diane-"Yea, they're different colors. And I wore them yesterday, on opposite feet."

An Itch You Can't Scratch

"Oh I got a bad wedgie. I got a wedgie so bad it itches."

Feeling Sorry

"That poor little fat boy!"

She is So Mean to Me

"David, my neighbors probably think you're half way to stupid."

Breath Stank

"Did you doodoo? Or is that your breath."

Digging for Gold

Me-"Stop picking your nose."
Diane-"I'm not rubbin' it on your outfit or something, shut up. Mind your own business."

Food

"Gohead! Eat it, see if I care! I got a whole box of yodels. You aint got nu-thin' on me!!!"

Directed Towards the Blonde at Stop n' Shop

"Damn. That girl takes herself to seriously. Let's take the screw driver out of your ass and get back to reality."

Eyebrow Dandruff

"You got some brow-duff."

Frunk That

"Did Dennis tell you the story of the dead cat last week? It's still in frunk of dunkin donuts."

Sans Twang

"I don't like all the extra twang."

Shower Curtain

Diane-"I need to get a new sha-sha-shower curtain."
Me-"Sha-sha-shower curtain?"
Diane-"Sha-sha-shut yo mouth!"

Worried Mother

"If I had fifteen kids I'd be worried about incest too. Just sayin'."

Impatient

"I can't grow no patience!"

Bee's

Diane-"Ohh that's a big fuckin' bumble bee! But those kinds don't sting."
Me-"I don't give a nothin'."
Diane-"I don't give a nothin' either. Their still big and funny and scary. And look at it lookin' into my window starin' at my cat trying to get her introuble!!!"

C.C.

"Colon Concern."

Weak

Me-"My arms is weak."
Diane-"Like your breath! Your breath is weak and your outfit is weak. Your outfit is so weak it's last week!"

Bird Bathroom

Mom-"Look, a robin is taking a bath in the bird bath."
Diane-"I hope he knows I peed in it."

Clumsy

"I've never tripped my thumb over somebody before!"

200th Post Spectacular!!!

" Bob Bob Bob, Bob Bob Diane."

Mom of da Year

"Do I controlled everything he do?"

Chiken

"Now you're fake'n. Shake'n bake'n."

Eating Food off the Floor, Again

"Uuh, the fancy feast is over. No more floor food."

Eating Food off the Floor

"Oooh peanut M&M! Delicious floor food!

Gettin' Funky Now

"Go funk yourself!"

Diane, on Anger Management

"Go dress your fuckin' dog up you fuckin' bitch!"

Diane, making fun of a Cat

"I drool when I'm happy!"

Butt Issues

"I gotta poop so bad. My butt's pokin'."

Constipation

"I woke up with a poop. Not myself. I wish. If only I was so lucky."

Indifferent

"Oh nooo! Oh YEA!"

Doo Doo

"Whattchu starein' at doo doo breath!?"

Bagel Blues

"The only thing I hate about jelly is it makes my bagel damp."

Animal Skin

"I think a zebra escaped from the zoo. What? That makes sense. She had zebra pant on! What do you mean that don't make sense!?"

Noise

"Do you hear a tree falling in the forest if no one's their to see it?"

Diane, on Feline Amputees

"Huh! Is that cat tail-less?"

Dookie Chain

Diane-"Imma smack the crap out your head that you call a brain. Doo doo. Ka kaa."
Me-"What?"
Diane-"ya brain's dog shit!"

Nugget Sauce

"I just put my finger in nugget sauce."

Diane, hablo Espanol

"Did you know the word 'elbow' is derived from the spanish language. It means bow. El' Bow."

Fast Food Grubbin'

"Yo that woman needs to stop eatin like that. Your chili ain't goin no where. Let's get outta here. That's disgusting."

Don't Tred on Me

"Stupid ATM! Discrimigatin against cars!"

Nosey

"Where this Bloomingdales truck goin'?"

More Teenie

"I hate that cat! All she does is eat. Save some for the fishes! But then she goes after the fishes!"

Teenie

Diane's Cat-"Meow."
Diane-"Shut the fuck up!"
Diane's Cat-"Meow."
Diane-"I will kick you in the face!"

Fix Yo Teef

"I got a snaggle on my tooth."

Driver Safety

"And you miss thing! You need to learn to drive safely! Suck it up and swim, suck it up and drive bitch!"

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

"I trimmed my belly hair yesterday. Dennis was kind of upset."

The Lights are on...

"David, my brain's like a record. It skips."

Diane Loves Trevor

Diane-"Who is this girl and how does she know me?"
Me-"Well, she didn't know you."
Diane-"If she knows Trevor Swift, she knows Diane."

Lady Sovereign

"I thought this was some british rap girl, Lady Antebellum. Isn't that some british rap girl?"

Broken English

Diane-"Do you think that car seat is in there good?"
Me-"In there well."
Diane-"Who said I was tryin' to be smart right now. Dude."

No Doubt

Diane-"I like old No Doubt, all trumpet and ska like."
Me-"Because you're so trumpet and ska like?"
Diane-"Look at mah bangs!"

Tiny Purse, Tiny Dog

"Harajookoo gurl! I'm so rich I can pretend to be asian!"

Fortune Teller

"People are gonna be like, 'oh I know where they going they going to a party let's follow and enjoy! I see cake in they future!'"

It's all so True

"David, you're just jealous because no one's talking about your cleavage."

Helping a Sista Out

"Yo, Goof Proof got muh back!"

Spelling Lesson

Me-"I'm funny."
Diane-"If you're funny so's Charles Manson."
Me-"Spell it."
Diane-"F-U-N-N-I."
Me-"I meant spell Charles Manson."
Diane-"Didn't specify. I ain't spelling somethin else."

Not-chyo-cheeeese

"If you touch his cheese I will scoop out your eye balls with this butter knife!"

Doin' Favors

"I wasn't giving you a wedgy out of disrespect."

Free Poopin'

"I fart when I poop! Together, and in general! Right now I'm free poopin! Free poopin!"

Rihanna

Diane-"I feel so bad for her."
Me-"Why?"
Diane-" 'Cause she got beat."

Don Imus

"Let me brush my napps."

Sorry Gaggs, Diane did it First

Rap

"Big pimpin and some cheese. Big pimpin and a round of cheese. Big auh nu sa nu da na na cheese. Think I'm gonna get a vah-nil-la ice cream cone!"

Nursery Rhymes

Diane-"I have bubble gut."
Me-"That's gross."
Diane-"Would you rather I say mud butt, diarrhea, hershey squirts, the runs, peeing out my butt, hershey squirts."
Me-"You already said that."
Diane-"It's rainin' it's pourin' my butt hole is snorin'."

Bowel Baby

"Oh man I'm getting poop contractions, I'm about to go into poop labor."

Butter Face

"That poor boy, lookin' like him as he do."

Nothing

"What do you know about bein' a cervix!?"

Proof of Age

Diane-"Justin Bieber looks like he's twelve."
Me-"He's fifteen."
Diane-"how do you know! You seen his birff cerkifikit!?"

Racist

"And why does he have all Hawaiian back up singers!?"

Adorable Animals

"If there's anything about little ducklings jumping out of a tree and bouncing I'm all about it."

Advertisement

"Over Heard Diane say dot blogsplot dot com."

Ham Bone

"I want some ham soup!"

Diane, Thinkin' Back

"Easter last year! Its not the anniversary of that what's his guy coming back alive! Its the anniversary of Diane's assault!"

Free Style'n, The Diane Way

"Gotta take off this sweatah, sweatah. To hot in this weathah, weathah."

Miss Money Bags

Diane-"Someday the money fairy will catch me a break."
Me-Catch me a break?"
Diane-"Catch me off a break of that kit kat bar!"

Diane, On Taylor (Trevor) Swift

"She always sings about the same stuff, 'It's my first day of highschool! I'm nervous getting on the bus!'. How many times did you stay back?"

Home Economics

"I ain't no Martha Stewart gardening tool!"

Man-Scaping

"It smells like bikini wax in here."

Changin' Diapers

"You're not touchin' your shitbag!"

Diane, as Ke$ha

"I'll rent a topless car and wear one shoe, and say I lost the other one at da club."

More Ke$ha

"If they take the baby two weeks early from the 18th, that's the 4th which gives me four weeks to get better so I can be Ke$ha for Halloween."

These Boot's are Made for Walking

"I'm glad I paid my car taxes. Because I would have been booted, and not in a good way. I would have two shoes to wear."

Food

"Ohh, where's there a momma--momma--momma Bab's pork fried pork restaurant!?"

Cat Fight

"Just say you got into a fight with a street hooker."

Excuses

"They were in my blind spot! May be if the guys head wasn't so big, weighing down the fucking car. Midget head."

Pashion Fruit Lemonaid

"If you're in a fruity mood, like if that's what you want--"

Grocery Store Blues

Diane-"Yogurt, banana, yogurt, and fruit juice."
Me-"Yogurt, banana, yogurt, and fruit juice?"
Diane-"You need to shut the fuck up."

It's not Daughtry

"That looked like Daughtry in that car! That looked like Daughtry. That looked like Chris Daughtry."

Attitude By The Foot

Me-"Why are these fruit roll-ups so tiny?"
Diane-"Cuz' it's the widget ones."
Me-"Widget ones?"
Diane-"I don't know, it looks like there's more."
Me-"What?"
Diane-"Shut up!"

Height Requirement

"Leave something to the imagination. But she's two feet tall, so their ain't enough imagination!"

She Don't Give None

Me-"we can enter here, can't we?"
Diane-"I don't give a none."

She Really, Really Loves Ke$ha

"Pedicures on my toes!"

Diane, on Race

Diane-"What's up with all these black skate boarders?"
Me-"Diane!"
Diane-"Its a good thing!"

Laundry Day

"I don't remember what shirt I'm wearing. Yea I do. But I don't remember what underwear I'm wearing."

Polite

"Move your damn ass self!"

Diane, on Ke$ha

"She's the kind of person I would imagine to have sticky skin. Would not want a cat near her."

Diane, on Manners

Diane-"what to see what color we're painting the room?"
Me-"No."
Diane-"GET YOUR DUMB ASS OVER HERE NOW! Will you look! I'm trying to talk to you! Imma kill you!"

Beatin' Up a Baby

"What! That's normal! All baby's got bruises, and broken bones, and he-ma-tomas."

Blinded by the Dirt

"Is that a stain! Is that a stain! Is that a stain! I can't see! I can't see! I can't see!"

Pacifier Night and Weekend Minutes

"What I say about daytime binki usage!? Over your minutes!"

Potty Mouth: It Continues

"I had diarrhea yesterday. Soft poop. Kinda burnt."

Potty Mouth: The Return!

"Oh my god, my butt! It hurts! I need a donut, pillow."

Potty Mouth: The Aftermath

"Oh man. I didn't know I couldn't digest carrot."

Potty Mouth: Toilet Talk

Diane, from the bathroom-"Oh mahh god!"
Me-"what?"
Diane-"Biggest poop EVER!"

Potty Mouth

Diane talking about her poop-"its not even coming down at all. Oh, think it moved! Can't tell if its a fart or a poop."

Comin' Out Both Ends

"I'm so hungry I'm gonna throw up, or toot. Or both."

Diane, on GaGa

"Ooooh Oh Oh ohh caught in a bed of ants!"

Jack of all Trades

"I know everything. Taxes, cookin', tax allowances, deductions."

This Weeks Forcast: Crazy

"Dr. Mel is crazy! He followed me from my school, then to my job! He's crazy!!"

Fighting

Me-"Say sorry!"
Diane-"For what!?"
Me-"Say sorry!"
Diane-"I ain't-- I ain't brush yo teeth! I ain't brush yo teeth!"

Fart Toast- The Other White Meat

While eating french toast- "Oh, that piece tasted like fart. I'm eatin fart toast."

Story Time

"Baba blacksheep have you any wool? No sir no sir shaved it off. None for my mother, none for my son. Left it all at the hair salon."

Sarcasm at its Finest

"Oh my god did you here about this new show! Its called nip tuck and its new and fresh!"

Breakfast Breath

"Expired goods? You know what, your breath is expired goods. Smellin' like spoiled milk and egg cheese."

Stinkin' Up the Joint

Diane-"Oh man."
Me-"What?"
Diane-"I have dirty dog farts."

Diane, on Exercise

"I'm not moving no where. I'm picking my nose and wipe it on my pants."

Gettin' Rid of It

"If my baby comes out speaking spanish I'm gonna flush it down the toilet. It won't fit, its okay."

Free Style'n

"Freesah cheesah chicken sneezah. Whatchu want I can be her. Take it back and call it geezah."

Days

Me-"More snow for 3 days!"
Diane-"You know it."
Me-"Tuesday Wednesday Thursday!"
Diane-"And Friday!"
Me-"I said 3 days."
Diane-"Ya said 4."

Quarter Past Smell-Thirty

"I knew it was twelve thirty, cause David got a cheek stank! Ha! I meant to say teeth stank!"

Dentist

"You got some teeth coming in on that forehead. Full smile. Crest white!"

What a Wonderful Phrase

"Hakoona Patatta!"

Baa-Zing

"I got a mirror in my face and every time you say, you say something mean you talkin' to yourself!"

Stress

"I feel a stress poop coming on!"

Dandruff

"Its snowin' out like God ran out of Head n' Shoulders!"

9021-NO, BET-me!

Me-"How often do you watch BET?"
Diane-"Everyday! I can relate to it! I don't relate to 90210 with no adoptive kids! I like the football and baby mama drama."

Diane, on Integration

"See! Black and white can mix! The best things in the world are mixed- Oreos, President Obama!"

The Truth Hurts

"You a liar like your momma, cuz you ain't hers!"

Diane, on Race

Me-"Is she black or asian?"
Diane-"Blazian."

Mad Skillz

"Ooh I can skate! Ohh olly kick flip doozies!"

Care Free

Imitating a woman's health commercial-"I douche! I'm care free!"

New Friends

"Those women were very friendly, VERY friendly. And they told dirty jokes, my kind of ladies."

Ghetto Olympics: The Host

Diane-"It would be hosted by that girl who does the VH1 reunion shows. "Hey ya'll it's ya girl Lala over in Ontario at the Winter Ghetto Olympic games!""

Ghetto Olympics: The Judges

Me-"Who's gonna judge at the Ghetto Olympics?"
Diane-"Shareef. But I ain't shed no grief, because we ain't got no beef- at the ghetto olympics!"

Ghetto Olympics: Explained

Me-"What made you sing about the Ghetto Olympics?"
Diane-"It's never been done before!"

Ghetto Olympics: The Theme Song

"Bum bum bumbum Ghetto Olympics bun dun dun bum wonda what the games could be!?"

Ghetto Olympics: Back in the Saddle

"What I'm gonna wear at the Ghetto Olympics!? Imma win a chain at the Ghetto Olympics!"

Ghetto Olympics

"Got a penny on a chain at the Ghetto Olympics! Think I'm gonna win at the Ghetto Olympics! Shorty betta be at the Ghetto Olympics!"

My Breath: 1, Diane: 0

"Get out of here, your breath is hurtin me!!! Burnin' up my hair."

Litter Boxes & Chop Sticks

"I love little asian babies! Its when they grow up I hate them. Kinda like kittens."

A Musical for the Whole Family

Julie Andrews from the sound of music-"This hills are alive with--"
Diane-"The hills are alive with shit."

Tofurkey

"You fake'n! You fake'n bacon like turkey bacon."

It's still Stank

"Its not doodoo stank, its pee stank! I cleaned his legs!"

Ketchup, or Catsup?

"This shows so weird so weird and the smell of that ketchup is making me angry."

Hallelujah, I'm a Buzzkill

"Why you always rainin' on my parade, forever? Always rainin', its rain'n men!"

Eatin' Foods!

"I FINISHED MY WHOLE BREAKFAST BUT THE SCRAMBLED EGGS! AND THE HASH BROWBROWNS!

Diane, Angry

"What are you so smile'n about?!"

Hollywood It Couple

"If I was Sandra Bullock I'd be like, back the fuck off my man tube girl!"

CATS!

Diane's cat-"Meow."
Diane-"Get out of here bitch."

Career thinkin' time!

"When I grow up I wanna be on Saturday Night Live. I wanna star on star 99.9, I mean Saturday Night Live. I'm gonna be the next ugly one-- uh, Rachael Dratch."

Diane, on reasoning

"In order for us to agree on something we must agree on something."

Two of a kind

"T-mo and BET fit together like glue and horse shoes."

Diane, on Zoology

Diane-"You know if there's a baby bear there's a momma bear."
Me-"And if there's a momma bear--"
Diane-"they were black bears, there ain't no poppa bear."
Omg.

For the love of Snookie

"That guy was nice, but he looked like he was from Jersey Shore. He hung out with Shnookie last night. Oh hey I'm Shnookie! Am I Shnookie or Snookie?"

Can't read her Poker Face

"I thought there was Lady Gaga candy at CVS. Turns out it was Barbie with bangs and sunglasses."

Diane, on dog pregnancies and Jacob from Twilight

"Taylor Lautner is my baby daddy, who isn't born yet because you know how dogs are pregnant for nine weeks."

Diane, on Rihanna

"Oh! She looks funny, she dresses funny, she's a funny ha ha singer!"

She's got me there...

Me-"You're very judgmental."
Diane-"So are you! Your a hypocrite! Just look at that website!"

Road Rage

Me-"keep texting and driving and I'm throwing your phone out the window."
Diane-"And I'll stop over and pull off where you want me to pull. You understood it. Made perfect sense in hear."

Diane, on STD's

"In two years statistically I'm supposed to get an STD since I'm over the age of 25. Will I? Who knows!" (Said in a Chris Rock voice)

Check it at the door!

"Is the bank even open? Even if its not I'm gonna stand in line, and if they tell me to leave I'm gonna tell them to check my cash! Check my cash at the door!"

Class act

"Did you hear that? That was allll my butt hole wind!"

Words I NEVER needed to Overhear Diane Say

"Tell me about it! I was a virgin and she thought I was this sex queen who knew everything about anal sex!"

Presents

Diane-"Happy birthday David! You can have Logan!"
Me-"you're a month late, or eleven months early."
Diane-"I'm a procrastinator, or a really good sista!"

Gimmie' Some!

Diane-"You got candy!?"
Me-"Nutigrain bar."
Diane-"I want half!!!!"

She uses her son as a weapon!

"Go get that cat. Kill it, skin it, choke it. Don't touch its butt hole though."

I work hard for my money

"Employee of the month with status, uh, burr...with his, working. Working with his, statuses. I mean, phrases. What is that call with the, hey, punctuality?"

Lolcats

"I'm in your facebook makin mean lying statuses. CRAZY CAT PICTURE."

Not the Goose Project!!!!

"I don't understand why they want to tag my pictures in a goose project."

Wiitarded

Playing mario kart
Diane-"oh no, oh no a blue shell."
Rob-"what does that do?"
Diane-"it explodes me."

Classics

Me-"I'm playing sudoku."
Diane-"Spell it. S-u-duku. No you dontko!"

Can't believe she said it!

Me-"Clair on Lost is going to have her baby on the island, with no anesthetic."
Diane-"And no disinfectant. Talk about a sand vagina."

Stop n' Go

Diane's effective when it comes to getting out of traffic. "I'm bout to drive on the grass, and through the trees, and over to grandmas house we go."

Aroun' da worl'

Me-"Looks like Amanda in the car in front of us, but Amanda don't ski."
Diane-"Sounds like a Polish lastname, Butamandadontski."

Little Dog

Diane-"Is that a little dog!?"
Me-"That's a coffee pot."

A shot of Diane, part duex

"I know I'm not Tila Tequila, but I can't think of reasons why I'm not Tila Tequila. I'm Tila Tequila!!!"

A shot of Diane

"I'm the new Tila Tequila, except not asian, I'm straight, and I wasn't engaged to a hotel heiress who died, well, wait."

Whom!

Me-"I just spelt whom, h-o-o-m"
Diane-"woom"
Me-"no, H"
Diane-"woom"
Me-"diane, H"
Diane-"woom!"
Me-"H!"

Hide'n out

"damn! what's wrong with me seeing trees and shrubs and thinking they're animals! talk about camal-flauge!"

A message from Diane

"To whom it may concern. Diane is really smart and good at math. Please disregard these saying from her having a good time and not using the brain. Da end."

Nuts

"My imagination is getting the best of me. I thought I just saw santa maria made out of snow in a tree."

City of dreams

"Oh the park city! It ain't the nosey city, so see you're way out of it!"

$$$

"Put your money where my mouth is, cuz I'm broke."

Drive by

"Sorry what you starring at dummy!? Acting like I'm some hunch back, I ain't no hunch back!"

Click clack, click click

"Maybe by then they'll be so intelligent that they'll discover some other language to talk with made up of clicks. Click click click."

Lonely, so lonely

"I see the bumper sticker, then I see the driver and see she has no ring on her finger, which means she's sad and alone and has lots of pets."

huhh

"Fingersoles. Finger icicles. Imagine that!"

Who you beep'n at?!

"I'm recycle'n. You can't beep at someone that's recycle'n."

Foil, part duex!

Diane-"You peel off the foil for a suprise. Its like a Cazzberry easter egg!"

Me-"its Cadberry."

Diane-"What I say?"

Foil!

Diane, after the pizza she made stuck to the foil it was cooked on- "oh man. Well, everybody, grab a spoon."

We don't need no water, let it burn

"Da roof, da roof, da place next to peoples bank on main street was on fire."

Oh geez

A special Tina addition of ODS.
Tina- "I can wear puke green because I'm puke green."

Dance!

"I want to be a choreographer for R and B groups. Well, not groups, I want to be a choreographer for R and B artists back up singers."

Miles Prower

Diane, on her math skills. "I love sonic. This is how I got so good at math, countin' rings."

Diane angry! Diane smash!

"I don't like the bitch. She's bad news. She's a fucking slut. Lots of pent up frustration."

Taking it a little to far

Diane being mad I didn't buy her a coffee "There is a time period where... When you buy something there's a time period... Shit, I raped some little boy six years ago but the statute of limitations proves me innocent!"