Itis

I got colitis, I can't get the itis!

Pee Pants

"I think I'm nauseas because I have to pee so bad."

"Oww, my cowlick hurts."

"What kind of name is Tegan Tootz!?"

"That cat had Justin Bieber's hair! That cat had Justin Bieber's hair!"

"Ask me how you know!"

"Ask me how! I don't know! So I'm done!"

"That fart just made my eyes water."

"Go get me a pants."

"David, that's what I was trying to tell you. My feet were sweaty and cold at the same time. I got confused."

"...Well I don't know. I'm just the person who shit her pants twice in one month."

"If you're no psychic then stop assumin'."

"...But that guy isn't Drake and Josh! Who is that guy!?"

"I can out dance Ellen any day. But she can definitely out lesbian me."

"Can you get me a little bit of Kool-Aid? It's in the apple juice jug. I'm ghetto, so what!?"

Mumba Jumba

"You look like an African Mumba queen."

Diane, on Ellen

"Oh, she's such a lesbian."

Nipple Talk

"David, you don't have puffy nipples."

People Skills

"I was touching my clogged milk duct and a guy walked by."

Diane, on Noses

"David, that guy has a nose like a Spuds McKenzie dog."

Google

"I'ma bust out my Google."

I.B.K.T.C.

"Teenie's getting her boobs back! Itty bitty kitty titty committee."

Diane, on Dingle Berries

"...No! Dingle berries are little pieces of turds that stick to your butt hair! Hence the hair being the stem of the berry!"

Pants

"Oh, here's the binki! It was in my pants!"

Peanut Butter

"You smell like peanut butter breath."

Jenny Lewis

Me-"Jenny Lewis is actually pretty famous. She performed on--"
Diane-"Say Gossip Girl!"
Me-"No!"

Diane, on Betty Boop

"I hate that Puerto Ricans are stealing Betty Boop! She's Italian!"

Insults

"Bitch, it looks like you ate a cheeseburger!"

Swine Who?!

"I ain't 'fraid of no pig ghosts!"

Father of the Bride

Me-"They should do Father of the Bride part 3."
Diane-"Grandpa Banks!"
Me-"He's already a grandpa."
Diane-"Oh, yea."